ups and downs

I'm tracking my calorie intake and it's a real shocker. I said in my last post that I would not weight myself every day, so after a few days of exercising, and avoiding binging, I stepped on the scale to see a 4 pound gain. My heart sank and my spirits were immediately crushed. I've been moping around the house wondering what I'm doing wrong. I can maintain my weight by not exercising and eating what I would normally eat, so why am I gaining weight when I'm exercising and watching what I eat?

So I got a free app that lets you put in foods you're eating and it adds up your calories. I thought it might help me be more aware of what I'm eating and how many calories I really consume and so far it has been a big eye opener. My goal is to stay around 1300 calories a day and with my coffee and cream, two eggs, yogurt and some crackers I'm already half done the day. I think this will really challenge my eating habits and force me to think about how I want to spend those calories. I don't want to squander them on 8 cookies, but I also don't want to sit around eating celery all day.

My basic goal is to find a healthy lifestyle. I know that's going to take some experimenting and some ups and down on the scale, but ultimately I want something that I can maintain and live with without consuming my mind. I know I could hop on some detox or fast diet and drop 10 pounds in a few weeks, but I'm guaranteed to put those pounds back on, and at the end of those weeks I will be none the wiser as to how to prepare healthy meals, how to make working out a priority and how to show my family what healthy living is. One of the big jaw droppers for me was when I was looking through the app at some of my usual treats and was confronted with the reality of how many calories they were. My favorite Starbucks drinks is 480 calories. My favorite Booster Juice drink (which I thought was "healthy") is 560 calories. Greg keeps telling me that the key to succeeding in this is complete honesty. I need to be honest about what I'm eating and honest about my exercise. I can't make excuses.

So tonight Greg and I are heading to the University track to get in at least 3 miles of training. I've done a lot of research on prices around town and they seem to be the cheapest. I would love to drop in at a nearby gym but most drop in fees are upwards of $7. I'm too cheap to pay that 3 times a week, and I don't want a membership because I'm hoping that in a few weeks the spring will be here and the roads consistently clear for going outside. I don't mind going outside as long as it's above 0. I actually prefer outside to a track or a treadmill but the weather is always so unpredictable. But there's always going to be a reason to postpone training. It will always be too cold, too windy, to hot, the kids are cranky, I'm tired, it's late, I just did my hair (no jokes that's a real one for me), or the worst...I just ate. However if healthy living is a priority in my life, then excuses will have to take a backseat to determination and commitment.

My goals this week: Not to weigh myself, but to keep a closer eye on my calorie intake. Train 3 times doing 3 miles or more. Keep my spirits up and my focus on the long term benefits of better choices.

back at it

Well I tested my knees last week and after a gingerly brisk 2 miles I actually felt great. I was so glad my knees were healed up and I'm ready to get back into training. I went for 2 miles Monday, 2 miles Wednesday and just over 2 miles today and the old knees are still great. I've put more importance on stretching and watched a few youtube videos on proper running form and posture. I've also recently decided to stop weighing myself daily and obsessing over every pound. I know some weight loss will come with the training, and I'm still committed to making healthier eating choices so I'm only going to step on the scale maybe once a week.

The funny thing about weight loss and exercise is that it can be a fine line between wanting to have a healthy lifestyle and having an obsession with weight and food. So far in my life I've swung the pendulum from one side to the other. I don't know what a healthy lifestyle really feels like. I know what it's like to put a lot of effort into losing pounds, and I know what it's like to stay far away from treats and feel hungry, but what would it feel like to live a balanced lifestyle where you can eat treats here and there, and where exercise is done regularly with no extreme purpose in mind.

I`m confident that this year will show me how to achieve some of this balance in my life. I`m sure training for this marathon will help me develop a regular habit of exercising. And not accepting cake and sugar every time it`s offered (and its offered a lot) will surely help me learn how to control myself and what I pop in my mouth.

More on Friends

Friendship is a tricky thing at times. Sometimes we choose our friends, and sometimes they choose us. Usually if both parties are equally interested in one another and like being together the friendship takes off more quickly and lasts longer. But what happens when one party is not as interested in the other, or when someone pursues the relationship more than the other? What should our response be?

I've had some friendships that in my opinion were not mutual, but lately I'm realizing that friendship is not always about balance and reciprocity. If we believe friendship is about serving others and supporting them then we should look less for reciprocity and more for opportunities to serve our friends. Now I'm not saying this is the case with all your friendships across the board, but I am saying that when we experience a relationship that takes up a lot of our time and energy...that's okay.

I have awesome friends. I have friends who have bought me massages and pedicures as pregnancy gifts. I have friends who have thrown me baby showers and brought me magazines and candy when I was sick. I have friends who have given me hundreds of dollars in gift cards disguised in a jar of candy as a gift and friends who take me for sushi and talk for hours. It's easy to love those friends and want to spend all our time with them, but I have to remind myself that the friends who are in hard places or are a little more "needy" are just as deserving of my time and attention (or maybe more so), and if you have friends who give AND friends who need then you don't feel so easily drained.

It can be our natural reaction to ditch friends who are needy or who require more patience and love then we want to give, but with a change of attitude towards them, those friendships can be just as valued. Being a new mom requires me to once again, spend many hours in my house nursing my baby. This can put a serious damper on ones social life if you let it. But this time around I've decided to continue to invest in my friends because I want to, and because I believe God is softening my heart forwards this and giving me the grace I need to put friendship into practice.

Community Group

For almost two years now Greg and I have been hosting a community group in our home weekly. Our church decided to start community groups back then and we agreed to host the first one. It was at that time, the only one in the church and we had no idea what we were doing. We started by gathering in the back yard for "fellowship" -aka, hanging out, and ended our time together with a little message Greg had prepared and some time in prayer. Eventually with all the people coming and all their kids we had to split off into two groups.

We hosted our group and our pastor, Dan and his wife Lisa, hosted the other group. Since Dan preaches almost every Sunday, their group decided to do a study on the sermon from that week. But we felt more comfortable doing a study from a book where someone much wiser than us could give us ideas and questions to ask. We became a tight knit group and eventually developed our own rhythm of meeting, drinking coffee and having desert, and then gathering in the living room for a study and prayer time. We eventually outgrew our couch space yet again, and split off into a third group. Shortly after that a few other elders in the church started hosting other groups and today our church has 6 community groups that meet each week.

We've really shifted the focus in our church to put a very high importace and value on being in community with other believers. First of all, the Bible stresses the importance of being in community and of living life together. We are to care for eachother and do life together. Secondly, as was preached in a great sermon we heard this Sunday, the Trinity was in community before humans were even created. God, Jesus and the Spirit were always together, and when they made man, they said it was not good that he was alone, so they made woman. Bottom line is, we are not meant to be alone.

I'm so thankful for our community group. We have a few of the "original" members in our group, which is awesome because we've developed deep relationships with those people and long lasting friendships. And we always get excited when new people come too because they bring fresh ideas and become new friends. I used to stress a little about cleaning up my house and getting things ready for all these people to come over, but now it's one of the best parts of my week. I know they care more about us than the state of my bathroom floor so if we don't get all cleaned up then it's no big deal. The important thing is to meet regularly, be open with one another, challenge each other to grow in our knowledge of the Bible and in our intimacy with God.

Community group has taught me the importance and sacredness of the Bible, it's taught me to live my faith in a real way, it's taught me to pray for others and consider them better than myself, it's taught me that Jesus is the center of EVERYTHING, and sooo much more.

Trying

Do you ever feel like you are trying to do something that may in fact be impossible for you to do? As you know, I did my running training program for two weeks, and then hurt my knees. I missed running this weekend and was upset that my knees still hurt. So yesterday I decided to try and work out in the privacy of our home in case something hurt and I needed to stop. I was doing my favorite workout video, Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred, when the second round of Jumping Jacks had me on the floor crying, cupping my knees. Obviously I'm doing something wrong and the Google advice to "work through the pain" is not going to happen so I need a new plan. Greg suggested I work upper body and core muscles while my knees heal and focus on healthy eating habits. Then maybe in another week I can start my program again and not push myself too hard.

I'm sad though because I really wanted to jump into this and go for it. I feel like I had the mental momentum to get on a roll and someone has just popped my bubble of hopes. I know that if my knees heal and I start again slowly I'll still have enough time to be ready by September, but I'm just not off to the start I had hoped for. But such is life, there are always set backs.

This week I was waiting for my "top-up" check from work for my 6 weeks post-delivery. And it was so nice of them to send me a check for 0 dollars and 0 cents. Not quite the $700 we were hoping for. It seems all the money they were going to give me has to go to my pension plan since I could not opt out of paying that for the first few months of Maternity leave. The check is a disappointment but would have just been a chunk of money to get ahead, it's not like we owed it to someone. However, this bummer news came on the same day that we noticed our BRAND NEW fridge is not working. We've gone through 3 stoves and now 2 fridges in the past year. Luckily General Electric is sending someone out to look at it and hopefully get it fixed.

Life is full of these ups and downs, but I'm choosing to be thankful for the things we have. For the money that comes when we need it, and so what if it doesn't come when we don't need it. And for a generally healthy body that is able to heal and get stronger. I'm not giving up or quitting...I'm just going to keep trying.

Dropping the exercise ball

Today was the first scheduled training run that I didn't do. I felt my knees hurting a little after my Wednesday run and by Friday they were really bothering me. I had a massage Friday afternoon and asked my therapist to work on my knees a little, which she did, and today they feel better but still not 100%. I Googled ideas about running with sore knees and most of the advice out there is to keep running. I feel bad missing today's training and hope I can just push it forward to tomorrow, but I really don't want to blow a knee and put myself out of commission for a few weeks. So I took it easy on my knees today, and even took some Omega oils, which the wise Google suggested would help.

I also fell butt first off my sugar-free wagon these last few days. I did pass up some deserts, and I have managed to make it through the Starbucks drive through without a cookie more than once, but Liam and I made a HUGE batch of heart shaped sugar cookies for him to give his friends and I definitely ate more than one. Each sugar filled bite struck me to the core with guilt. I don't want to feel guilty about eating treats but I also don't want to turn to sugar whenever I'm bored or stressed. So I'm turning to the advice of my wise and encouraging sister, which is that every moment is a chance to make a better choice than the moment before. I used to treat my eating habits in terms of days. I would maybe sabotage a diet halfway through the day and then write off the rest of that day and eat whatever I wanted. The mentality of "oh well, I already screwed up today so why not eat this cheesecake piece too and try harder tomorrow" isn't going to fly anymore. I know that if I "cheat" and eat some brownies than the whole day is not a waste. I can still decide a few hours later to not eat a second brownie. Or maybe I just shouldn't have brownies around...period.

And lastly I have dropped my daily Bible reading habit for a solid few days now and the chapters I'm not reading are flying by...and fast. I have about 10 chapters to read to catch up to where we are supposed to be, and I know I had better do that soon before the amount I need to read is too overwhelming and I feel defeated. I really want to stick to all these goals I have set out for myself. I just need to scoop myself up and get back at it again. The sad thing is I don't even have an excuse as to why I'm not on track (besides maybe my knees). I knew there would be hard times to push through...I just didn't expect them to come as soon as they have.

However, the good news is...WE REGISTERED!!! Greg and I are officially registered for the half marathon in Disneyland California on September 2, 2012. We paid the money and put our names in so we had better show up now. Nothing like throwing money away to make a dutch man commit to something.

what is a friend?

"Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I call you friends" -John 15:15

I've been thinking a lot about friends these days, which is part of the reason I wanted to include that in the name of this blog. I've always been social and had a lot of friends. When I was in high school I had my friends from church, my friends from my neighbourhood, my friends from childhood, and my friends from school. And at school I had my friends from French immersion, my friends who were in English, my popular friends and my not-so-popular friends...etc. I rarely went two days without having some sort of social gathering. Then in Bible college I had my friends from dorms, my friends from the other dorms, my off campus friends and of course my boyfriend (now husband).

Then in 2005 I got married and moved to a city where I had no friends. I had not grown up here, so I had no childhood friends, and I didn't go to school here so I had no friends from school. I relied almost exclusively on church to find friends, and even there, most of the people our age were already Greg's friends. I began to crave personal friendships with girls my age who were like me and I found starting from nothing and trying to make friends was a lot harder in my twenties then it was when I was 7.

Eventually I did make friends with some of the wives of Greg's friends and some of the other girls from church, but conversations and social gatherings consisted of the same topics that were often shallow and non-invasive. As years passed and I became a mom, topics were rarely anything other than motherhood and housekeeping. But still I wanted more in my friends.

The words Jesus spoke in John chapter 15 were ringing loud in my ears. Where are the friends who would "lay down their lives" for one another? Jesus is the true example of friendship. We serve Him as Lord of course, but He wants us to be His friend. To walk closely with Him and be real with Him. He accepts our imperfections and forgives us when we wrong Him. Proverbs 17:17 says that, "A friend loves at all times". I think we all want friends who will love at all times and lay down their lives for us, but to be friends like this we need to be real with one another. We need to get past talking about superficial things all the time and ask one another how we are really doing. And then we can't be afraid to walk with that person if they are not doing well.

Part of my desire for this year is to be a friend who sticks closer than a brother, who lays down her life for others, and loves at all times. Although I don't have longtime childhood friends here, or even close friends from college, God has blessed me with beautiful and amazing women in this season of my life and I want to serve them and practice the biblical principals of friendship for as long as this season should last.

Being friends as adults takes a greater commitment than when we were kids. We don't just see each other at school now or live near one another. We need to make an effort to get together and foster friendships. Greg and I try to open our home a few times each week to meet with people and develop friendships, but it also needs to go beyond that. A good friend of mine had left our church a few years ago and we really had no opportunity to meet each other again unless we made it happen. So we decided that our friendship was worth it and we needed to invest in it. So every few weeks we get together and challenge one another and talk about how we are doing. We are friends because we make it happen and we want to love one another and walk through life together. It may require finding babysitters and sacrificing time at home or time doing other things but she has become so precious to me and I truly thank God for her.

Running with Greg

So Saturday Greg and I did our first training time together. The dynamics of running with someone else are much different than running on your own. First of all, you feel the need to keep up with your partner (and not look like you're dying in the process). Secondly, you want to do the workout without major huffing and puffing like a 60 year old smoker. And Thirdly you can't just go into your own zone in your head and make it a personal time. You're required to pay attention to someone else and communicate about pace, speed and distance.

I found out in the first 30 seconds that Greg is much faster than me. We did a minute of warm up walking and then did our first 10 seconds of running and his legs, (which are the same length as mine) seemed to take off like a bunny on crack as he lept into run. I found myself immediately trying to match his pace and keep up with him. Although thanks to our open communication skills I quickly informed him that my pace is much slower than that and this will be a challenge. But I did decide to view the run as just that, a challenge. Greg kept reminding me to run, and pushing me to go farther. As we approached our house and the end of mile 2 he said we should sprint to the house. So he took off and made it there...I walked.

I'm looking forward to doing this with Greg. He is my husband and partner in so many things, so why not in fitness. So many women choose to work on their bodies alone and don't typically work out with their husbands. But I want to challenge Greg and be challenged by him. I like hearing him say, "You're doing great...that was much faster than before". It's a new arena to encourage one another and build each other up. Plus I'm sure it will feel great on race day to cross the finish line together and know that we accomplished this major task as a team. I enjoy getting out of the house and away from the kids for a short time with him, where its just the two of us in the cold, making goals of how far we'll run this next stretch and how fast we'll go. Although running won't be just my thing to do anymore (like it was those 4 times I did it two years ago) I'm glad I can share it with my best friend.

So this week I've done 8 miles and cut out 90% of the baking. I did cheat at a SuperBowl party and again when I popped 3 candies in my mouth without realizing it. But not a pound has been shed. But I am choosing not to worry about it too much. I'm sticking with the plan and hoping my body will clue in soon enough.

Job

Our reading through the Bible in a year program has already taken us through Genesis and Job. I grew up knowing the story of Job; rich man, Satan destroys him, he holds onto his faith in God...etc. But reading through the book in its entirety made me realize how whiny he is and somewhat self righteous. The general moral of the story is to not give up your faith when times get tough, but of course, like all books of the Bible, there is so much more going on. I felt bad for Job when Satan destroyed his family, his wealth and basically everything he had, and then was glad to read that some friends of Job's came and sat with him for a few days. It says they didn't even talk to each other. They sat in one another's company and were comforting Job in silence. I thought that was pretty cool of them to be supportive of their friend, but after the silence breaks they begin tearing him a new one. They call him self righteous and tell him not to judge God who is higher than all his pains. It caught me off guard. Why are these nice friends here to comfort Job but also to tell him how wrong he is in even asking God why this is happening to him.

This made me think of how often I question God. My family is not dead, or even sick. We have more than enough food and clothes. Our house is heated and stocked with all the supplies we could ever need. And my body is not covered in burns and boils. Yet when things are hard or finances are tight I find myself questioning God. "Why do we always have to stress about our money, Lord" or "Why do all our appliances break down in the same month" or "what have I done to deserve such a crappy day at work". But hearing Job's friends tell him how horrible it is to talk to God, the Creator of the universe, like that makes me humble.

I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that God is so much bigger than my problems, and is in fact the King of the universe. If he wants to destroy my body with boils or drain all our money from our accounts then that is His will. My response should not be to question him and focus on solely myself. My response should be to say "God you are good and all I have is yours, do with me what you will."

I think Job is more of a lesson on submitting to God and fearing him rather than a lesson on "never giving up your faith". It's true that Job does not renounce God or turn away from him, but he does wallow in his selfishness and forget God's ultimate authority and rule over all the earth. A reminder that no matter what, I should sing, "it is well with my soul".

Bibles and Running

God must have more in store for me this year. As I said in my previous post, I had no ambitions for 2012, other than survival with the two kids. But right off the bat our church began Spiritual Growth Month. Basically we take the month of January to encourage good Bible reading habits and growth in various ways. This year Greg had the idea to do a "Read Through the Bible in a Year" program so I jumped on board. I wizzed through Genesis and plugged through Job and am about to tackle Exodus, and I'm excited to finally read the entire Bible. I know I've read a lot of it, growing up in church but it will be great to say at the end of the year that I have read the entire Bible.

My fitness and health goals were also non-existent at the start of the year. I was preoccupied with post delivery recovery and surviving on muffins and coffee, so needless to say I hadn't even thought about how I would lose the baby weight this time and get into shape. After I had Liam it took me over a year to get motivated to work out. I finally started a blog back then called, "My Blubber Blog" where I thought I could be candid and accountable for a weight loss journey. But after 5 months and only losing 10 pounds I became discouraged and stopped blogging. I did eventually make it down to my pre-pregnancy weight (to the pound) but failed to regain a healthy weight and BMI. That journey was so trying and exhausting that I gave up on my goal weight pretty easily.

Since then I've gained a better knowledge of healthy eating and come to recognize some of my weak points. For instance, my insane addiction to sugar and anything baked. If there is a cookie or a cupcake within a 5 mile radius...I will eat it. I often eat cookies in the evening or bake a cake and eat it with Greg in a few days, so part of my new goals is to conquer my sugar addiction and be able to eat just one cookie once a week or so. After confessing this addiction I noticed how severe it is. On day 3 or 4 of our "no baking diet" I was almost sick to my stomach I wanted sugar so bad. I dug in the freezer and found some old gross cookies and began to bite off hard frozen chunks. I looked at myself doing that and knew this addiction is far greater than I thought. Luckily I have Greg and my sister for support, so with the exception of Wednesdays I'm going baking free and cutting that stuff out cold turkey.

The other opportunity presented to me was the chance to do a half marathon in September. My sister has done one before and I've always admired people who were disciplined enough to train for one and finish it. I dabbled in running on and off over the years, but of all the ways to work out I would say running and walking are my favorite (or should I say, least hated). I had not even considered doing one this year until my sister said she was registered for one in California taking place in September. When I was at my parent's house one Saturday afternoon, I stepped on their scale to see how much I weighed. When the scale showed 10 pounds more than my scale at home I almost had a heart attack. I thought I was doing alright for post-pregnancy, but it turns out our old crappy scale sucks, and our digital one had no battery. So off we went that very day to get a new battery for our scale, and sure enough: 10 pounds bigger!!!

I was of course discouraged and feeling self conscious, so Greg offered to support me and encourage me if I wanted to train for the half marathon. Then my reward for all the hard work would be a trip to California and the chance to run a marathon in Disneyland with the people I love. So I spent a few days doing some research on training programs and routes to run around my house and decided to go for it.

I have two 2 mile runs down and am feeling pretty good. No weight lost yet but that's why I want to blog about it. If I'm really going to immerse myself into scripture and running and living life more fully then I want to remember where I started and the bumps I had along the way.

Testing Testing...

I made no new years resolutions this year. Thinking that they are pointless and mostly left in the dust around February, I brushed off the idea and went into January with relatively low expectations for 2012. I had just had a baby in November and knew that this year of maternity leave from work would mostly encompass diaper changes, puke clean ups and sleepless nights. But as January began to unfold I was presented with great opportunities to embrace this year and really challenge myself. So I began thinking about last year and all the things I didn't do.

I didn't grow much spiritually. Sure I read some good books and did Bible readings, but it still wasn't the meat I've been craving. By December I was anxious to move on to bigger things God would have for me. I longed to reach out to friends I've lost along the way and mend relationships. I longed to serve others in a significant way and see God change hearts around me. I longed for my faith to grow. I longed to fear God more.

I didn't grow in the health department. Of course being pregnant is an excuse for not losing weight, but it can also be an excuse for putting whatever you want in your mouth, and then at the end of 9 months you have bad eating habits and a belly full of jelly (not baby).

I didn't grow in friendships either. This sounds strange but I continued to have superficial relationships with people and feared sharing too much of my heart.

So with much thinking and prayer, I have decided that this year I'll try and Do things. I want to look back on 2012 and be proud that I moved forward and accomplished goals I've set out for myself. Hopefully this can be a good place to share this journey, so here's to 'gettin her done'!